Emotional maps

For reasons, geography does weird things to you. It makes you look and experience things differently. The situationist had and inkling...and the phenomologist, like Heidegger, had a way of de-constructing geography from a physical to the purely psychological. So when I talk about "closeness" and "nearness", ...that's where we should meet. In the area between us. Words like "far", "near" and "distant" don’t exist when we speak...I'm just glad you are "here NOW".

Psychogeography is "the study of the precise laws and specific effects of the geographical environment, consciously organized or not, on the emotions and behavior of individuals,"

A bunch of situationists once had a project in which they mapped the "psychogeography" of Paris. I wonder if you can still get the map somewhere. They basically cut up a normal map and arranged it in order of emotional experiences, a soft beginning building to a crescendo and then the denouement. There was no way to use it to navigate through the city, but it made a beautiful work of emotional/spacial art.

The space between you and I:

The last thing you wanna do when you miss someone terribly, is not go on the internet and look them up. It only makes it harder that they are hundreds of miles away. The terrain isn't tough to travel over, its the waiting and mapping out the points between until you get there. It is so much space.

Rainy Monday...

It's Monday...

And it's also rainy...

so I guess...it's a rainy Monday, right? Along with rainy Mondays,...for some of us, there's a thought and holding hands with this thought, is a feeling that's attached. Inspired by this thought and this feeling, here's a video I made today (starring me of course, duh!)...


Music: "Rainy Monday" by Shiny Toy Guns

Summer day blues

Today, I ended up getting off of work early. I think while at work, I just felt that I wasn't really in-tuned to working and my mind kept on drifting and leaping from place to place. There was a point in which I actually just went to the office and just sat there. It could be just my lack of sleep or it could be something. Perhaps a combination of things. I guess for me, I end up thinking way too much sometimes and in doing so, a lot of energy is drained out of me. My boss said it was okay for me to take the rest of the day off. As I was driving towards home, I decided to not go home, but instead, take the exit and drive out of town. And that's what happened. I ended up driving 150 miles away from Pullman.

I guess today is much or less, just one of those days....in which someone who really isn't there with you anymore, sort of left this feeling inside of you...one that never fails to find you on one of these types of days. And you think to yourself, "how come I'm feeling this way?" when you know the other person probably doesn't even hardly think much of you and have already moved on with their life. Their least concern is you. While for you, their essence still gently haunts you. I guess for me, I'm trying to move on too but I feel like I'm just stuck in a moment that I can't get out of,..as if time and space is suspended. I just wish it wouldn't have to be that way. I wish things between me and her would have worked out because right now, I feel like not only did I lose a relationship,...but I also lost a friendship. I feel like I lost my best friend.

*sigh*

Anyway, snap out of it Dylan,...you've got a dinner to host!...

Burned by love?

It is proof positive that heartbreak is nearly universal human experience, searing into virtually every living heart the humbling trauma of romantic loss, almost as if it's an essential part of our development, an upside down "coup de grace". Suffering after all, is the first spark of enlightenment.

Even loves that last can rake us over the coals, and fast-burning passions can destroy precisely what they inspire.

For me, I've been burned by love at least twice. The first time, I was crushed. I didn't know that the girl I was with, actually had a fiance back in Japan. I found out when it was too late and too little to do. I felt robbed, used, and deceived. The relationship lasted about a little over a year but i spent the last week and a half with her under a false sense of intimacy, but it was the first time I had really been hooked and filleted. Each of us went our separate ways in the same fast and intense way that we found each other.

The second time, in another relationship...it was a bit more complicated. There are ups and downs to falling in love with your best friend. Romantic love has a way of making itself superior to other feelings, but we all know that's not always true, and the bond of friendship is sometimes more valuable than the shallow sizzling of newfound love. The rash type may be ready to sacrifice one for the other…to confess your love to your best buddy and risk losing her forever…while the romantics will nurture that hidden love and hope it'll one day evaporate, or even better, that it'll be melded into the vein of everlasting friendship. Simply, we can risk losing a best friend by revealing our true feelings for this person or just maintain a platonic relationship while suppressing your desire inside. In this relationship, it was me who wanted more than just being best friends. Over time, my feelings for her grew. I was ready to go towards the next level, but she wasn't. Somehow we ended up being in a relationship, but even in the relationship, she treated me more like a best friend than a boyfriend for the most part.

I realized that with a bestfriend...it can be that in a relationship...she never fell in love, it was only the company of a best friend that she ever really wanted and needed and she only was pressured into being in a relationship with me so that my feelings wouldn't be hurt. And for me...I simply never fell out of love.

Looking as you are (Part I)

So obviously, back in the early 80's, my mom decided that it was best for her dearest only son to dress up in a bright red overall. Come on, if I were to ever get my little self lost, I swear my mom can spot me from a mile away as that little moving red dot in a sea of big people. I think that might have been part of her plan as you probably don't know, when I was little, I was that silly two-year-old who would see a butterfly, be so damn amazed by it and as it was fluttering away from me, I would giggle and try to catch it and go after it until I would realize that I was no longer within the eye sight of my parents. I guess back then, I didn't really have the option to protest to my mom as to what types of clothes goes on me. My mind was probably more occupied with wanting ice cream and concentrated on chasing ducks at the park.

So last night, my mom called me. She does this all the time and usually calls me perhaps twice a week just to make sure that I'm still alive and breathing and haven't yet died in squalor. Even though I am the age that I am now and have been living on my own for six years now, she still finds it in her to always be concerned that I'm going to injure myself in some way. The reason behind this is that when I was younger, I got into so many injuries such as falling off of trees that everyone thought I was going to die so young. But anyway, because of my history of past injuries, my mom tends to always try to think for possible case scenarios and sometimes I think she gets a little too paranoid with it. Damn those stitches and broken bones.

Anyway, so my mom asked me when exactly I was going to visit her and my dad this summer and I told her this mid-June. Then she asked if I was going to bring my girlfriend along with me and for some reason, during the whole nearly two months, I failed to tell her that it's almost been two months since me and my girlfriend are no longer together. My mom totally adores her and think she's one of the sweetest girls that she's ever met. My dad thinks so too. They always question me about her. Since my parents live in San Antonio and I live in Pullman and Seattle, when me and my girlfriend were together, we never had the chance to all spend time together. It was something that my parents wanted to do. I guess for my parents and especially my mom, she wants me to be with a girl who will definitely make me happy and also at times kick my ass and hit me with a rolled up newspaper for her when I "act" bad.

So yeah, last night I somehow forgot to mention once again to my mom that I'm no longer with my girlfriend. Yikes!

Discovering our "hidden" beach

A few days ago, me and my friends Anthony & Mine stumbled upon a hidden beach. Well, it's not exactly "hidden" nor is it in the proper sense, a "beach". But you know,...we like to think it that way and thinking so, it makes our idea of this location just a little bit more surreal.

Anyway, here in Pullman (where I go to university at), we are pretty much in the middle of nowhere. It's true. It feels as if when you look out into the horizon, you can actually make out the very edge of the world as if anything beyond it...is nothing. To give you an idea, Pullman is pretty much surrounded by rolling hills, wheatfields and long stretches of small creeks and long arrays of grass & shades. We are actually 300 miles away from the nearest ocean shore.

What we discovered on our little roadtrip 40 miles away from Pullman was an area of sand dunes near a pretty decent-sized river in which the banks of the river was a wide stretch of nice beach-like sand. The water was really warm too. We ended up jumping into it to cool ourselves away from the scorching sun. Not too many people know of this place and I think we like to keep it that way. Years and years ago, students from Washington State University frequented this location but in recent years, access to this place was prohibited and so no one ever ventured here again. As students who had knowledge of this place graduated, there were not that many people left to pass on the word. As a result, knowledge of this place was forgotten...up until now. So in the middle of nowhere, there's a place of dunes and sandy beach-like river banks. A place that seemed unlikely, out of placed and a best kept secret.

Natsu...

Ever seen the Japanese film Kikujiro by director Takeshi Kitano? Well, I'm not going to tell you anything about it (because I want you to watch it and I don't wanna spoil the enjoyment for you), except that one of the most beautiful aspects of the film has to do with the music score. The score was composed by Joe Hisaishi and one of the pieces is called...

...Summer.


For me, every time I hear it playing, it just totally and sweetly overwhelmingly brings dearly to my heart and memory, the seemingly magical aura of summer time, of both past and present and the anticipation of summer adventures and moments that are yet to come.

*sigh*

1,000 paper cranes

I think it was close to about two weeks ago, I began the arduous but yet desired process of folding 1,000 paper cranes. An ancient Japanese legend promises that anyone who folds a thousand origami cranes will be granted a wish by a crane.

The reason behind why I started folding the paper cranes has to do with not my own personal wish for something remarkable to happen for myself, but rather...it's something I'm doing for someone else.

I know that it sounds a little bit too silly and juvenile to think that by folding a thousand origami cranes, some sort of wish (that I'll write on the 1,000th crane) will actually find itself to manifest into reality. There's been a few days in which I actually found myself questioning how ridiculous and naive this belief is and even contemplated clearing out my table and just trashing all of them away. One of the days, I did exactly that because the person who I was making them for told me that it's stupid and doesn't work. I realized that yeah, it's actually quite dumb and childish and was feeling overwhelmingly pessimistic about what I was attempting to accomplish and thought to myself, "what the hell am I trying to do? geez!" But then I said to myself, "screw it" and took all of the paper cranes that I had folded out of the waste basket and resumed the process. I decided to myself that..."well, of course it's not going to work and we all know it". However,..."why not just give it a try and see what happens?"

Bookmark me

So as I was browsing through my bookshelves and going through the my many books, I suddenly came upon a book and to my surprise, I found a bookmark that I had been looking for at least for a good long several months.

I don't know, there's something about this bookmark that I love so much. Is it the fact that it is "cute"? Perhaps. Nevertheless, it's something that I adore even though you might think it's silly. I was given this bookmark back in high school by a female Korean friend who had a slight crush on me (me and her wouldn't have worked out anyways) and ever since then, I've always used it for whenever I'm reading some novel. It doesn't really have much sentimental value to it or anything. I guess I just have this attachment to it more or less.

I guess what I really love about it is the adorable little picture of the guy chasing the girl and the message reading...

"love is...never wanting to lose her."

2007 Seattle International Film Festival

Hey, it's nearing that time of year again! You've guessed it...SIFF! The Seattle International Film Festival (SIFF), held annually in Seattle, Washington, is purported to be the largest film festival in the United States and among the top film festivals in the world. Audiences have grown steadily; the 2006 festival had 160,000 attendees. SIFF runs for three weeks (24 days) and features a diverse assortment of predominantly independent and foreign films and, in recent years, a strong contingent of documentaries.

This year, SIFF runs from May 24 - June 17, 2007 and kicks-off with Son of Rambow and concludes with the North American Premiere of Molière. The 25-day celebration features 405 films, 107 premieres, and more than 600 Screenings. Also Sir Anthony Hopkins to be Honored with Lifetime Achievement Award.

Hopefully, this year I can at least make it to some of the films, if schedule and travel permits. With past years, I've always attended SIFF on numerous days and saw many films. I'm a really huge film enthusiast and love film festivals and so for me, SIFF is like visual and even emotional heaven. In the recent years, I've seen films (that later became my favorites) at SIFF such as Whale Rider, Sex and Lucia, Amelie, Hero, March of the Penguins, My Sassy Girl and In The Mood For Love.

Anyway, go check it out! I'm sure there will be at least something for everyone and if not, get yourself lost in SIFF and discover! Browse the entire festival online, or pick up a copy of the Seattle Times Guide to the SIFF 2007 line-up at all Tully’s Coffee locations.

Who knew soccer could be so hot?

I'm a big soccer ("football" to all of you non-Americans) fan and I've played soccer back in high school and also when I have the time, I catch up and follow what's going on in the world of international soccer. If you don't know me, I'm a somewhat crazy fanatic of the English Premier League team Liverpool.

Last night, I came across these series of photos that I found while browsing through portfolios of many different photographers. The ones I found, well...I thought they were really neat and of course, a bit sexy. Overall, when you combine the beautiful sport of what is known as soccer with the sheer graceful beauty of God's creation known as females, you acquire something that is beyond divine perfection. Come on, don't you think so? Yeah you do. But anyway, Steven Young has posted a team of gorgeous Asian females playing soccer and getting dirty on Flickr. The photography work is just amazing to say the least. The filters and post-processing work applied to the photos make each shot look like they should be on the billboard of Times Square.


Seriously,...who knew soccer could be so hot?...

Why "clean" is better.

So a couple of days ago, I finally got around to cleaning up my living room as well as the rest of the apartment. For me, I love being clean and having the knowledge that I don't tragically gross others out. It's very painful to see your friends stepping back away from you just because there's something wrong with yourself. Not that it happens to me, but I've seen it around friends. Also, I love being around (living in) a clean environment...meaning that things are set accordingly to where they're suppose to be, furnitures are dusted, and basically nothing around me is going to present a hygienic or physical hazard to me and other people. I enjoy having guests over and seeing them feel comfortable and being able to chill and relax. Plus, the other night, my friends Regina, Nisha and Paul came over for dinner and so my cause for cleaning up was even much greater.

I also tend to be in a slight irritated mood when things get really dirty and messy.

For example, if my bedroom becomes messy with books, clothes and homework scattered all over the floor and desk, I seriously cannot let myself be in there to study because for whatever reasons, I cannot study when things are laying out in about. Same with the living room. If the living gets way too cluttered with random junk, it's hard for me to stay out there to lounge and relax. Since dead week and finals week, I became extremely occupied with work and massive studying that I didn't have the time to upkeep or tidy up the apartment. As a result, it gradually became a huge mess. Thankfully, now that my schedule is much more freer, I tend to have more time to clean up after myself and keep the apartment looking spotless and chic and even enjoy sitting while listening to music and ponder what such a nice job I had accomplished. *sigh*

Sway...

As I was laying here on the futon, just allowing the breeze to enter the living room through the slide door and letting the warmth of the sun shine right over me, I realized as I'm listening to my iPod (connected to the living room sound system) that there's one song that totally captures with exquisite hold of how I am feeling for the past couple of days

I guess, the reason why I love this song so much is that the lyrics are really sweet and it expresses me and what I am harboring. The song is called "Sway" and it's by the band The Perishers. Here's a video of the song...

Letting summer begin...

So here I am, on another day amongst another warm and sunny summer here in Pullman. For us Washington State University students, school ends (with the exception of summer session), right after the first week of May and so summer arrives somewhat comfortably early for us. Sometimes, we don't really notice it but summer hits us very fast like the way someone jumps in front of us from a bush and surprises us. We get caught off-guard a little.

For me, I always look forward to summer whether or not I'm living in the metropolitan hustle and bustle of Seattle or simply here in the laid-back calm of the rolling hills of Pullman. Either way, my mind becomes excited for anticipations and the random moments that are yet to come. At the same time, my mind also tends to draw back memories of past summers as if it wants me to not ever forget them and also at the same time, gently remind me of what I once was, what I once had,...and what I once felt and where I yearned to be. I guess right now what I'm trying to convey is that I'm feeling immensely nostalgic for last summer.


And I guess it's quite normal because certain individuals, certain places and certain moments that existed in the past; things that meant so much to you, never seem to go away. They live deep inside you and you harbor them because it's hard to let go of them when they've already became a part of you and grew inside you. And you don't want to let go of them because they remind you of how happy you were once. The memories and the emotions attached to them never fails to find you, especially on those lonely summer days when you just simply lay there on the grass and as the wind gently sweeps over your face, you close your eyes and the silent images starts to drift slowly inside you and the emotions begin to flood through your body.

Right now, I'm thinking of last summer...

...we didn't have much...but we had each other. things didn't go right sometimes, but there would always be days where everything seemed perfect and I felt like I was in a dream and didn't want to wake up...

...and some of those days, were truly some of the best days of my life.

As summer is beginning, I realized that I really do miss someone right now that isn't here with me. I can honestly say that this person is not right beside me as I lay here on the this grassy hill, underneath this summer sky, but I can still feel this person, shine inside me.




...I just wish.

Coming back.

I guess since my last post back in November, a lot has happened and even more so has changed. Places change, people change, circumstances definitely have changed and I can honestly say a part of me have changed as well. A lot of them I had a great deal of a hard time accepting because in doing so, I was bending a part of myself to adapt. And sometimes when you try to bend yourself, you eventually force yourself way too strong that you realize you weren't strong enough and you find yourself broken. Then that's when you begin the long process of picking the pieces of yourself up and attempting to glue yourself back together, but only to your realization that not all of you can be found,...some of it you gave away to someone you loved.